Jul 10, 2023
Mental Health & Relationships
HIM. He is amazing. He has a promising career. He is charismatic. He is intelligent. He has all of his adulting responsibilities in order (car, home, good credit, air fryer). He smells good. He looks good. He is in touch with his emotions. He is healed. He is single. Not to mention fine, Fine. He Loves the Lord AND goes to church weekly. He is attentive to everyone around him. His boundaries are clear. However, he disregards your needs. He ignores your love language. And he is vague about his intentions for a relationship with you.
HER. She is remarkable. She is enchanting. She is full of life. She has a profitable career. She operates in her passion, which lines up with her purpose. She is intelligent. She has all of his adulting responsibilities in order (car, home, good credit, an air fryer, and her edges). She is healed. She acknowledges and honors her emotions. She is thoughtful. Not to mention fine. FINE. She is God's girl. Attends church weekly and prays daily. She is intentional about making sure you feel seen. She gives you quality time. She knows your love language. It makes her happy to see you happy. She is clear about what she wants in a relationship, especially with you.
This year, I decided to be all in with Her. I deserve this relationship. One of the fundamental needs of the human experience is human connection. I need you, and you need me. Love, affection, community, and being a part of a particular group of people who share similar commonalities with you. We learned from the COVID era that physical touch is a critical component of this human experience.
Now, what does this have to do with Her and Him? A LOT. Human connection is a primary need, and it's vital to prioritize this need to ensure mental wellness. Let's jump into this, Queen, and learn how to protect your mental health while dating.
Earlier this year, I faced the stark reality that I kept running into the same type of man regardless of race, culture, or zip code. Men who had zero work-life balance. These men all possessed the same character trait that overstepped, undermined, and disregarded my two primary non-negotiables: consistent communication and quality time. I honestly cannot blame the audacity. Why, you ask?
Because I allowed these boundaries to be overstepped, undermined, and disregarded by me first, and I knew better. Sis, we teach people how to treat us by the example we give them from how we treat ourselves. That need for human connection with a significant other distorts how we should approach reciting that connection so I will clarify this for you now. Knowing better and not doing better (I know I am not the only one) is like a hedonic treadmill. I desperately tried to get off, but I kept decreasing the speed instead of pulling the STOP cord.
Let me give you some free advice I learned about dating: Whether you move fast or slow in a relationship if you are not confident and consistent with who you are and firm with your boundaries, you will encounter the same situations. This cycle is not only frustrating, but it also disturbs our core identity, which ensures our sense of self is intact. When we act in a way inconsistent with our core self, we experience guilt and anxiety. Once your core is shaken, you begin to lose your sense of self, which causes you to resent the other person. When we let our boundaries down, we have decided to co-exist with incompatibility within our lives.
So, how do we ensure we don't lose ourselves while dating and slipping down the treacherous slope of guilt and anxiety?
It's simple... choose Her instead of Him.
Her is Me.
Her is You.
Choosing Her Over Him Looks Like:
Genuinely embracing and becoming one with yourself means knowing everything about yourself, good and bad, and giving yourself grace as you work on the area that needs a little more TLC.
Trusting her always to have your best interest at hand. Your intuition. Sis, I know you ignore that small voice that says run when you're in the presence of a smooth talker, so for the remainder of the year and from now on, let's take heed and listen the first time.
Having unwavering faith when she tells you to let go of Mr. Fine. FINE when incompatibles threaten your mental wellness. Sacrificing your mental health, regardless of how small you think that sacrifice is, will always impact your mental wellness sooner than later. I have the t-shirt and hat to attest to this, lol!
Next time you choose Him over Her, I challenge you to pull out your non-negotiable list to see how many items you are bending and ask yourself if your mental wellness is worth the cost. Until next time Sisters, be well, and let me know which color I need to wear to the bachelorette party!
About the Author
Dani Parks is a Freelance Writer, Published Author, Life Coach,
and an International Speaker who
enjoys advocating for Mental Health Awareness & Wellness
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